Okay, so the countdown to Christmas 2017 is finally here and I believe we have 5 weekends to go? Depends on when you get round to reading this post I guess.. and honestly I am dreading Christmas.
For many, Christmas is a time of great happiness, celebrations, and declarations of love between friends and family and loved ones. So I guess it's easy to think that we often overlook how mental health can be affected due to the fact it's not really spoken about. I always feel to put on a front at Christmas and ensure that I do not 'put a downer' on anyone else's day. But this whole post is about recognising your limitations as a human being and working out a plan to manage your health at Christmas. Christmas for me was a big celebration when I was younger. From purchasing the tree, to placing my mothers China angel on the top branch, preparing Christmas dinner and opening stockings at the end of my parents bed; Christmas was always about love and being reminded of the value of life. Don't get me wrong - it still is. During teenage years, this love was extended to friendships whereby we'd complete secret santa, arrange Christmas parties / nights out, everything was a big celebration. Back then, it was impossible not to feel loved and I remember how I was always surrounded by people at Christmas. I was always busy. I always had a plan. I always had tonnes of party outfits and new shoes to debut. Things change when you get older although I'm well aware of exceptions to this rule. This year I can't say I have any plans with friends and that's quite an isolating thought in itself. To be honest, I'm very much aware of my own feelings of lonliness and whilst being rid of toxic relations is a HUGE positive - nothing replaces that seemingly genuine love shared at Christmas. So I guess that leads me to point number one - I dread being asked what my plans are for Christmas and I dread 'catching up' with people after Christmas to realise how lonely mine was. Secondly, I have to mention my elephant in the room - Loss. You don't have to be depressed to understand how loss is more prominent at Christmas time. This year will be the first without my Gran, whom we visited on Christmas Day since I was born. It was round about this time last year that I was wrapping up a Christmas hamper for her and her husband. Unfortunately I never got to give this gift to her, and that still is quite a raw feeling. I'm not quite sure how Christmas will feel this year and/or what it will mean to me. It will be confirmation of loss and a time of recollection I think. I have never been one who deals well with change but unexpected change will always be difficult for anyone I guess. So yes, this year a lot of raw emotions will resurface and that is going to be difficult to process in an environment which is seemingly quite the opposite. That leads me to point number two - Loss is intensified at Christmas. From experience, it's a struggle to deal with and being surrounded by everyone so jolly and drunk, it's hard to express those feelings. It's almost like you have to be happy. I guess what I want to tell you is that THIS IS NOT TRUE. Tell people how you are feeling in advance of the big day - let them know you may need to take an hour out if it's too much for you. After all, its' likely they'll be too merry to realise your absence! Christmas for me is also a time of great reflection and when I am seemingly very self critical of what I have achieved in a year. The main focus is Depression and how it's still very much running through the blood in my veins. I don't always talk about it, nor do I show it; but it affects each of the 365 days each year. People close to me will frequently ask 'is the medication working yet' and say 'I don't think you need it because you're not ill'. That's a difficult conversation to have - and no matter how much people say they understand you can't visibly see mental health, they'll still say you're fit as a fiddle! I think back to not only my mental health but my physical health to - which has itself bought lots of limitations this year and had a profound impact on my wellbeing. I realise the more I dwell - the worse I feel (naturally). But to not see any progress in 2017, means I can't see hope for the year ahead of me and well, that leads me to point number three: I don't like being asked to think about the year ahead because I struggling contemplating the 'now'. As you may expect. sharing your Christmas is also a daunting thing. This year my partner will be spending Christmas at my family home; which also presents challenges. I've never had a friend or partner spend Christmas with us. I'm apprehensive mixed with excited. Opening up my world to someone has never been easy but doing so on such a 'special' day is going to be a big accomplishment itself. Like most people, families have their own dynamics and problems. That's worry number one folks. But, it's more the bigger picture of how my own mood will be during the Christmas period and if it will be ok to take naps during the day due to mental exhaustion. I also don't want to ruin his Christmas - nor anything to ruin it for that matter. Point number four - I'm just a little afraid of the unpredictable at Christmas I guess. Which brings me swiftly on to... Work related stress. Despite classifying this myself as EATING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, I wanted to highlight the stress many people feel when trying to 'tidy up' their workload ahead of Christmas. Most years I work right up to Christmas Eve, and being a perfectionist I have to get everything done which includes making a plan -about planning - for the plan on January 1st. The increased amount of stress during the festive period has a notable affect on my wellbeing. You're trying to keep smiling (or singing) whilst running round on a hamster wheel. It's pretty damn difficult. Not to mention having difficult conversations or witnessing deaths during the festive period. It's part and parcel (sorry for the punn) when working in health and social care - but it still affects you. And we Depression warriors are bloody good 'Empaths' too. It's just a shame that stress can often omit us from having time to enjoy the build up to Christmas Day. So my final point is that after Christmas has been and gone; financial issues remain. You're left wondering where you're money went and why you're still unhappy.As I sit typing this, I'm thinking about the gifts I've bought and the ones I'm yet to buy. I know Christmas isn't about who spent what £££ or who bought the best present; but I like to share love and make people happy. I don't know if anyone can relate but Depression brings a whole whirlwind of financial issues itself. If you're not in debt best be sure you're worrying as if you are. And well, if you are in debt (any at all) it consumes your thoughts 24/7 and you can't sleep at night. Anyway, work do's at Christmas - secret santa - family outings - the whole shabang comes with an invoice of its own. And because it's Christmas you can't really say no for fear of having to explain how you'd rather be in bed wearing fluffy socks and watching crappy Netflix box sets. I also think, in my experience, when you're feeling particularly shit you think you're the prince/princess of Sheeba and therefore your credit card is limitless. Yes - it's true and therefore Christmas can be a dangerous time indeed. How to stay healthy at Christmas 1. Have a SOS plan (see my previous blog post) in terms of recognising triggers, behaviours, and how to manage them/their impact 2. Initiate advanced discussions with those closest to you and advise them of reasons why you may take 'time out' and how they can support you 3. Write a diary or jot down thoughts on the 'document app' on your phone. This will help you seperate real & happy thoughts from unrealistic & negative thoughts. 4. Watch your intake - caffeine and alcohol can increase anxiety and depression 5. Maintain physical excersise - good endorphins are never omitted from the menu 6. Don't over commit yourself to events and outings. Be selective and prioritise. Self care is what will keep you balanced. 7. Finances - don't over buy. Create a budget. Ask people for suggestions. Remind yourself that Christmas isn't about the gifts 8. Give yourself love. I am not sure what I want the main message of this blog post to be, that's me be entirely honest with you all. I guess what I wanted to do was air my thoughts about Christmas and highlight why I struggle with it. Maybe, just maybe it will help others realise the impact it can have on people - or maybe it will help you speak up about your health at Christmas time. Who knows? But talking about it is tackling half of the problem so I'll probably bore you throughout 2018 and keep blogging!
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Wow, so 24 months ago I would never have thought I would be sat here writing this blog post. Actually - let's scrap that - I didn't think I would ever write this at all. After all.. ME? Body confident? What is that? I'll start by saying that being the only female this year was a little daunting. It's always so much easier to lounge around the pool and wear skimpy shorts when you're paired with another female. No mum, no cousin, no friend. Just me, myself and two men. No.. not like that. My dad and younger brother, actually! This is the first holiday ever that I have left packing to the last minute. I usually shop for outfits a few months in advance. This year I didn't give a f*ck. Certainly not the Samantha I know. Anyway, I packed capsule pieces with a few statement evening outfits. I was holy anticipating to abandon anything figure hugging and instead rely on some high waisted shorts 24/7. So I've certainly been doing well. I actually found myself smiling at the fact I struggle to get in and out of my shorts.. not due to weight gain but actually good'ld "booty gain". Hehe. On a serious note, I don't think I actually realised how stressful the British lifestyle is until this holiday. A few days in and I have to say that the sun kissed tan and damp messy hair was making me feel incredibly empowered as a woman. Damn, I felt just too relaxed. I was actually okay making minimal effort and focusing more on each moment I was encountering.You'll see my dedicated photograph collection on instagram. I hand picked the best. Trust me, I've done you a favour. Anyway, nothing is every truly perfect so of course had to encounter the holiday bloat - like we all do. I also had a little bit of a breakout on my face. I started to feel a tad sluggish BUT will happily blame the cocktails for that one, cheers honey! See, now what I learnt is that sometimes compromise needs to be had. I'm enjoying life - all of the sights, smells and sensations; of visiting somewhere new. I'm not overly bothered by how my body has changed from day 1 to day 10; I know what it's capable of and I love it anyway. I have now recognised more than ever just how strict my diet and lifestyle is at home. Gym daily, healthy food with the weekly treats, a job that keeps me on my feet. My body is probably shattered and deserves a break just as much as my mind and soul! 2017 My first holiday body confidentSounds like such an achievement. Well it did, until I got to day 5 and I realised that I forgot to pack continuations of my medication. No antidepressants, anxiety suppressants, no hormone regulation. FUCKFUCKFUCK. All I could think about was this dark cloud of depression and the anxiety-related-agitation finishing me off and compromising the rest of the holiday. How could I be so silly? I spent the next day sleeping by the pool and dozing in and out of sleep in the hotel room. My anxiety about this error had consumed my mind and I had no energy. At home, I would refuse to eat and continue to sleep until the 'nightmare' was over. But, being on holiday with other people removes the luxury of being able to do as you please. I had no choice but to face this battle. I had experienced too much joy so far and I wasn't prepared to lose it all overnight. We had already booked an excursion for the very next day and I knew that I should look at it as an opportunity for distraction instead of 'what could possibly go wrong'. I'm so glad I did. Today proved that as much as I need medication to stabilise my emotional wellbeing - I am strong enough not to be dependent on it. Yes, okay, those of you who are all science-geeks would like me to point out that I probably have enough in my system to miss my doses for a few days. You're right. But, it is also psychological and that is the point I am trying to demonstrate. We stopped at a beach on the excursion. I stripped down to my bikini and emersed myself in the water. I requested a bikini picture. It wasn't until I looked at my camera roll that I realised that for as long as I thought I looked 'bloated' and 'preggers' my body was only a little bit bloated. I still look good. I am still proud of my body. No other holiday compares in regards to the amount of emotional freedom I feel. I'm eating and drinking what I want - when I want. I'm continuing to wear figure hugging clothes and even request the odd photograph in a bikini. The initial capture actually made it to instagram.. like WOW. My body is relaxing and to some extent is getting a tad abused by the free bar. But this is something that is only temporary and the extra chub can quickly be battled at home. Long gone are the memories of being called 'fat' on holiday by my "other half". Gone are the days of deleting all holiday pictures. I am still not looking 110% how I hoped to look but fuck that. I know the gym is waiting for me.. and I know my body deserves a rest. My first experience of being body confident holiday has been a real eye opener. I know that I've only just started working towards who I want to become.
The future looks promising! Am I what I eat?
I often wonder if my eating habits really do affect my mental health. If I eat crap.. do I tend to isolate myself. If I eat next to nothing.. do I become irritable? If I eat healthily.. do I radiate more positive energy? I'm not really sure of the answer to this. Everyone knows that the healthier your diet; the better you will feel not only physically, but mentally as well. It's not rocket science that those who eat fresh produce and less refined sugar and additives are likely to live longer. I also know that a lot of people dismiss the rationale for food impacting mental health; stating that depression can strike regardless. My own experience, which is often shared by others, is that high caffeine intake can induce anxiety attacks and/or make them worse. Whether you believe those statements doesn't really matter. The reality is if you don't take care of yourself you won't lessen the depression, or atleast minimise it's affect on a day to day basis. It's also very common for mental health and food to become entwined. If you reflect on bulimia and anorexia - they have similar emotional triggers and eating patterns to that of obesity. Our relationship with food can be unhealthy, obsessive and in some cases deadly. I suppose it would be easier for me to illustrate this idea if my health was straightforward. However, food can either be used as a punishment or an emotional dependency. Over the years my weight has fluctuated. I have been a size 8 and I have been a size 16. My largest size was half caused by comfort eating and half caused by an ovarian cyst. Notice how I'm taking some responsibility? The impact this had on me was huge. Literally. I gained weight but couldn't see that until I became uncomfortably big. I felt trapped - almost as if I had no choice but to be fat. It was crap. In contrast, my smallest size was caused by punishment and my attempt to control my emotions:- to keep them concealed. I was living off of kitkats, cigarettes and those baby purified meals in squeeze tubes. Yes, I'm deadly serious. I wasn't into exercise. All I was interested in was drinking water one day and eating food substitutes the next. How I survived that I have no idea. What about now? I'm a healthy 10-12 (though my wide hips sometimes make me a 14). I eat pretty good and I gym pretty hard. Yes I still eat donuts on a frequent basis but I can finally say that I have control over my relationship with food. That's not to say that my relationship with food isn't a challenge. I still go between starving and over indulging. It's mood dependent and also dependent on what I see in the mirror that day. In some ways I view it as 'everything in moderation'. Some days I feel like little miss piggy and I deprive myself of food. Other days I feel like america's next top model and I have cake after cake after cake! It's somebody's birthday somewhere - right? The only constant I have is my PCOS and it's affect on my insulin levels. If I starve myself for too long I get a headache and feel like I'm going to pass out. If I overindulge, I feel very bloated, incredibly nauseous and have a sore stomach. Not to mention the issues my ovaries cause themselves - such as bloating after breakfast which lasts until the next morning. Even the thought of those symptoms makes my body feel funny. It's mad. I calorie track on a daily basis working with a weekly allowance. The days I binge - I experience hunger for the next. But you see, the old me would comfort eat. I would have SERIOUS 'fuck it' approach. My most recent weight is a reflection of the muscle I have gained. I don't actually look the number on the scale, yet It still causes me anxiety. Anything above 9 stone tends to attract gasps. But you Know what? As of 2017 I finally have the mantra of 'this is me, good and bad, my body is coping with extraordinary things, my body can also achieve extraordinary things, so I'll be kind' I know the effort I put in and what I get out of it is priceless to my mental health. If any friend or boyfriend comments on my weight - the door is 'there', they can open it if they so wish. I may not be thin and I may not be 110% toned. But I'm almost definetly not fat:- despite what my mind tells me daily. Guest blogger Kartikeya!Hi, i'm Kartikeya. Where to start: it's a privilege to be the first guest blogger for DONUTS AND DEPRESSION and, well, to be asked to contribute a blog post in general. This is my first blog post, well official write up, so be kind. I am an engineer by education and a consultant by profession. In my free time I am a full blown fitness freak by lifestyle. It hasn't always been that way, naturally.
Fitness came as a boom to my life which gave me a mantra, a karmic objective or you can say focus to overcome my limitations. For my first blog post, I wanted to touch base on something which is near and dear to me. Something that should be a conversation starter and not an awkward ice breaker. Mental wellness, better known as mental health. If that's okay with you, i'll proceed... To this date our society (Pseudo Intellectuals as I consider them) think it is a vague topic. According to the WHO studies; there are approximately 450 million people worldwide who are suffering from this, which is categorized in different aspects of the illness. I will openly admit that I was no different to other and in the past found myself in a perpetual state of trying to overcome this ''problem'' and to successfully fix myself. Fitness came as a boom to my life which gave me a mantra, a karmic objective or you can say focus to overcome my limitations. During this time, I began to acknowledge the key indicating factors that helped me challenge my mental wellness and allow me to control it - rather than it continue to control me. 1. EAT TO ELEVATE YOURSELF What you eat is most definitely what you are. According to ancient Indian studies, it has been proven that food not only kills your cravings or hunger but also activates lot of hormonal activities that influence our well-being and daily processes. Unhealthy foods can affect our brain functioning as that is where all the motor signal generate which can lead us emotionally imbalance. I am sure you are already aware that the food we eat and drinks we take may give us a temporary boost but in actual fact proceed to hinder the normal functioning of the body. Remember that cliche - feel good on the inside to feel great on the outside? Yeah. 2. SLEEP LIKE A BABY You wouldn't run a car on an empty tank so why treat your body any differently. Have you ever considered just why are babies are (mostly) so happy and glowing? Well the answer is simple it’s the sleep. It might sound ridiculous but actually sleep is the best auto recovery mechanism we have in our body. During the sleep cycle our Growth hormones HGH are released in the body which actually help you in recovering from the day’s long haul work. Quality of sleep determines how productive you will be and also it has a very big effect on your mental state. 3. MOVE THAT ASS If it's good for your mental health and rewards you with evolving physical improvements - what other excuse do you need? You need to practice the art of getting your ass out of bed and/or off the couch and do some physical activity - daily. It has been proven that your physical strength can make help you in developing mental strength. Physical activity can be in any form from a gym session to a light jog to a walk, all depends on your liking. It will not only help you regulate blood flow, make those inactive muscles get a jolt but also stimulate your brain with feel good endorphins/increasing serotonin levels and help you fight anxiety, depression etc. Getting your body used to a regular increased heart rate and breathlessness will also make anxiety attacks feel less terrifying and more controllable. And come on who does not like a summer body to flaunt. 4. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER Books truly are our best friends, and no - not just because mum and granny said so. I always was a poor reader until I chose to read a book which helped in my Emotional Quotient. That’s correct books help you deviate yourself from your daily cobwebs and take you into a serene world of imagination. I'd like to think that is not just me..?Reading opens a 3rd world spectrum of critical analysis and in term stimulates the brain with problem solving. I believe that reading helps you find solutions to many problems which you might not have thought otherwise whilst always learning more about your own feelings and values. Self help books, novels, historical, scientific studies - feed your brain. 5. THE POWER OF SENSES Immerse yourself in the Box-office, art gallery, local park, even your apple headphones. We sometimes we need to just sit and relax and appreciate life and beauty. It is okay to 'clear your head' or 'cut yourself off from the world' temporarily. Head space is a must. But, the art you're focusing on (may it be in a form of paintings, nature walks, theatrical performance or your favourite movie) in turn releases feel good endorphins and happiness. As time goes on, and you learn that dedicating time for self-reflection and personal space is important, you will notice the acquired visual stability and release of endorphins that in turn help calm down anxiety. You will be amazed to see that how your irritability, tenseness just evaporates. 6. OTHERS KNOW OURSELVES BEST IN TIMES OF NEED When your mental health is taking a downturn, your view of the situation is very obscured and often inaccurate. We lose sight of our likes and dislikes. Our body and mind, are trying to trick us into remaining unwell. Therefore, this is the time where we need to admit that we do not know ourselves best and reach out to the one person in our life who does. This is the person who you are on the phone to before even registering you've dialed there number. It could be your mum, dad, friend or a cousin, partner, it doesn’t matter. I think that the only thing that does matter is that we have atleast one relationship that brings nothing but enormous positivity and mentoring. A relationship that prevails. Allow yourself to enjoy the company of these and not be secluded or push them away. When you are unable to pull yourself out of a dark hole - they are your bond of glee - waiting for you to be courageous. We cannot value enough the people who can just hold your hand and walk with you on the un-travelled roads of life and help you smile and let the fresh breeze of air flow when you feel choked.We just can't. 7. FIND SOLACE I have found that it is okay to sometimes just be me, myself and I - travelling, going to the gym, a party-free weekend. To just get up and go away to from the city life or the madding crowd and detox my soul. We need time to re cooperate. Just like animals that go into hibernation or the birds that fly to different counties in the winter. Take a trip to the hills, beaches, camp in the jungles or just go to countryside. Listen to the sound of the nature the water flowing, the rain drops, the birds chirping etc. This will help your brain hard reset itself from all the man made noises and thoughts. Being at peace with yourself is crucial in helping you to reflect and eliminate the toxins of the 21st Century lifestyle from your mind. 8. S.O.S Asking for a hand should not be the last option. Do not ever shy away from asking for that little push. If you are fighting your emotions, your day to day chore; or simply feeling lonely or overwhelmed from a situation-DO NOT SHY AWAY. Talk to someone who you can confide in. Whether its a face to face conversation, a letter, an email or a phone call. Be bold. Give yourself grace and be bold. No one is going to help you until you decide to acknowledge the support you require. Final point for reflection Mental wellness is not achieved overnight and it requires lot of effort and determination. But hey, no one said being born was easy but you did it. We tend to forget in later life the vast amount of skills we learnt and accomplished as children. Riding our first bike - and then letting dad take the stabilizers off. Learning to swim. Learning to read, write, draw. Learning to cook. We have learnt the skills necessary for survival. We just need to practice the skill of self care. All I can say is try and try and try, If you fail: do not give up, just analyse it - you're a step closer than you were before right? With each failure we learn skills to improve, prosper and overcome. You'll soon know why it was worth failing three times earlier. |
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January 2019
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