I think I recall that my faith was first tested at the age of fourteen. It was a familiar story of experiencing loss and dealing with the onset of my mental health problems. I was very angry with the world and had a tendency to suppress this down. My world and my mind caged me, trapped me; and it was impossible to know my truth vs reality. I prayed - my goodness I prayed. I felt unheard. I felt inferior and almost as if He did not care for me. This only exacerbated my ill health. Fed on my insecurities. And I parted from God.
Its taken a significant amount of growth and understanding of my conditions to enable me to forgive myself and thank Him for being able to help me through one of the most challenging times in my life. I began to rid the expectations I once had and instead was content on the comfort God gave me by being in my life. For giving me life. I think back to all the times where I could have taken things to far:- be in a completely different world today, or not here at all. In all those dark moments where I felt alone and broken, something inside me gave me the strength to fight on and the curiosity for the light and the greener grass. That can only be God. I realise that now. I didn’t ask Him to be there. At that time I didn’t want Him to be there. But I am where I am today because of the comfort He gave me. This year has been another challenging milestone in my life. I’ve dealt with the incredible highs and the ridiculous lows. I’ve realised that I’m strong no matter what. The days I want to end everything - God will still bring me the sunrise in the morning. I’ve prayed and I feel that He has heard me. I do not know how I would be still standing, eating, working, smiling; without His grace. There is no other explanation as to how I came to be here, now. How I have the strength to pull through? It’s all God. It’s a miracle in my eyes that I can finally see the strength in myself and adapt to each situation. He’s taught me how to accept the person I am - no apologies required. I deal with things differently. I feel things differently. He taught me how to stop worrying about the simple things in life and to trust God. To focus on family. Loving myself and loving others. He taught me to open my heart and fall in love. He taught my fiancé how to empower me through His teachings. God has received all the Glory for my entry into marriage. For allowing me to let someone fall in love with the naked me, true me, imperfect me. People will say that if you do not go to church then you are not ‘practicing’ your Christianity. I don’t praise God to fit in with a crowd of people. I don’t fit into a crowd of people so to praise God. Its always your choice how you communicate with your God. Anxiety can make congregations be a very uncomfortable situation. Gods timing will let me know when i’ve found a community that I can trust. I have regained my personal relationship with God. This post is to praise him for rejoicing and rewarding my strength this year.
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January 2019
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