Am I what I eat?
I often wonder if my eating habits really do affect my mental health. If I eat crap.. do I tend to isolate myself. If I eat next to nothing.. do I become irritable? If I eat healthily.. do I radiate more positive energy? I'm not really sure of the answer to this. Everyone knows that the healthier your diet; the better you will feel not only physically, but mentally as well. It's not rocket science that those who eat fresh produce and less refined sugar and additives are likely to live longer. I also know that a lot of people dismiss the rationale for food impacting mental health; stating that depression can strike regardless. My own experience, which is often shared by others, is that high caffeine intake can induce anxiety attacks and/or make them worse. Whether you believe those statements doesn't really matter. The reality is if you don't take care of yourself you won't lessen the depression, or atleast minimise it's affect on a day to day basis. It's also very common for mental health and food to become entwined. If you reflect on bulimia and anorexia - they have similar emotional triggers and eating patterns to that of obesity. Our relationship with food can be unhealthy, obsessive and in some cases deadly. I suppose it would be easier for me to illustrate this idea if my health was straightforward. However, food can either be used as a punishment or an emotional dependency. Over the years my weight has fluctuated. I have been a size 8 and I have been a size 16. My largest size was half caused by comfort eating and half caused by an ovarian cyst. Notice how I'm taking some responsibility? The impact this had on me was huge. Literally. I gained weight but couldn't see that until I became uncomfortably big. I felt trapped - almost as if I had no choice but to be fat. It was crap. In contrast, my smallest size was caused by punishment and my attempt to control my emotions:- to keep them concealed. I was living off of kitkats, cigarettes and those baby purified meals in squeeze tubes. Yes, I'm deadly serious. I wasn't into exercise. All I was interested in was drinking water one day and eating food substitutes the next. How I survived that I have no idea. What about now? I'm a healthy 10-12 (though my wide hips sometimes make me a 14). I eat pretty good and I gym pretty hard. Yes I still eat donuts on a frequent basis but I can finally say that I have control over my relationship with food. That's not to say that my relationship with food isn't a challenge. I still go between starving and over indulging. It's mood dependent and also dependent on what I see in the mirror that day. In some ways I view it as 'everything in moderation'. Some days I feel like little miss piggy and I deprive myself of food. Other days I feel like america's next top model and I have cake after cake after cake! It's somebody's birthday somewhere - right? The only constant I have is my PCOS and it's affect on my insulin levels. If I starve myself for too long I get a headache and feel like I'm going to pass out. If I overindulge, I feel very bloated, incredibly nauseous and have a sore stomach. Not to mention the issues my ovaries cause themselves - such as bloating after breakfast which lasts until the next morning. Even the thought of those symptoms makes my body feel funny. It's mad. I calorie track on a daily basis working with a weekly allowance. The days I binge - I experience hunger for the next. But you see, the old me would comfort eat. I would have SERIOUS 'fuck it' approach. My most recent weight is a reflection of the muscle I have gained. I don't actually look the number on the scale, yet It still causes me anxiety. Anything above 9 stone tends to attract gasps. But you Know what? As of 2017 I finally have the mantra of 'this is me, good and bad, my body is coping with extraordinary things, my body can also achieve extraordinary things, so I'll be kind' I know the effort I put in and what I get out of it is priceless to my mental health. If any friend or boyfriend comments on my weight - the door is 'there', they can open it if they so wish. I may not be thin and I may not be 110% toned. But I'm almost definetly not fat:- despite what my mind tells me daily.
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January 2019
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