Okay so the title for this blog post is intended to be humourous. The panting on the treadmill because you're incredibly unfit AND/OR the identical twin, Anxiety Disorder.
This blog post will begin with one simple fact: One year on and I am 3.5 stone down. A miracle. I have found that the gym has given me so many incentives to practice self love - self respect and self worth. I admire myself daily for the fact that I still attend the gym and basically haven't given up. It's certainly not arrogant but maybe a little vain. I don't care because I'm proud of myself. I always used to hate looking in the mirror. I'm guessing some of you will share that memory. So, I'm going to make an assumption that most of the people who follow me on social media would hold the view that I come across as confident and fearless in the gym???This may be due to my endless selfies (self love) AND how often I 'get up and show up' no matter what day or time ???It's quite the contrary; sorry to kill the mood! Let's go back to the start as to why and how I was slightly overweight and afraid of the gym. It seems like such a distant memory now. My anxiety was so bad to the extent that I couldn't go into a public place or supermarket by myself. In fact, I avoided it pretty much altogether. I was aware that I had gained weight (due to medication and lack of exercise) but most importantly, I was aware of how unhappy I was. Period. In May 2016, I was involved in a road traffic collision whereby another driver hit my vehicle leaving me with severe whiplash, suspected shoulder fracture and a deep wound to my chin. Following this incident, it was through Physio that I learnt how exercise and weight lifting was essential to strengthening my shoulder and back. I remember the first few times I attended my Personal Training sessions and recall feeling hot, flustered, dizzy, breathless, and pretty much ASHAMED. I felt that I stood out like a sore thumb and looked ridiculous. I hated bumping into people I knew. I hated not being at work. And most importantly, I hated my body and I hated being weak. It feels strange to think that after being frightened of the gym since the age of 14-15, I was actually going on a regular basis. I don't know how or why I stuck it out - but I'm happy I did. I quickly learnt that making mistakes and progressing from them was part of life. (Basically telling myself - 'stop being so fucking self critical of yourself' ) I also found that the regular, increased heart rate and breathlessness taught my brain that my breath was something I could control. Whenever a panic attack was brewing - I was able to change my breathing and relax. I began to normalise what used to feel like a warrant for my death. I would recommend fitness to anyone who struggles a with panic attacks. It's completely changed my perspective and experience of them. Gradually, with confidence growing and pounds dropping I branched out and tried classes such as Zumba, Pilates,I also reacquainted with Yoga. I took back to swimming as I no longer was embarrassed by my body because I knew how strong it was and what it was capable of. That's my superpower. I avoided swimming for several years due to my weight and because I would not be seen in a swimming costume! That was a big step for me. Around August/September, an ex partner introduced me to his gym (my current gym) and I decided to be brave and move away from PT sessions and basically go solo. The only reason, I feel, that I had the balls to do this was the fact it was 24hr. So, as you can imagine, in the early stages I went during unsociable hours to limit how many people were around me in the gym. It worked. Almost a year on and I'm still going 6-7 times a week. What I found helped me with the transition to being in a new environment with many people was to devise a basic routine. I initially stuck to a simple treadmill walk/cross trainer and then a few free weights in the stretch area. Pretty basic, pretty boring, but I didn't have to panic about what I was doing - instead just allowed myself time to adapt. Yes - I did use the same treadmill! Even the same locker come to think of it.... I now have branched out 110% across the gym facilities now haha! Anywaaaaay, there is some purpose to all this waffle (I promise!) because I am now fully comfortable in the gym. I try new exercises and FAIL and then TRY AGAIN. I ask people for help. I help other people. I chat to people when doing cardio. I'm a POSITIVE little busy bee in the gym. I feel at home. But. Yes, there's a but! I still get the days where I'm feeling very low and this affects my workout in the gym. The depression masks the happiness I usually feel at the gym. I become anxious about how I look and this also affects my confidence and performance. BUT THIS IS NORMAL. I have lost count of the times I up and leave the gym because it's too much. I've also lost count of the number of times I stay and prevail. I give myself a pat on the back either way. Sometimes going with friends makes me feel anxious. That's just my mental health. It's not always controllable but I can sure try! Some people think going to the gym daily is excessive. Yes it probably is. Yes I should probably take rest days. But, it is truly the best medicine for my own PERSONAL mental health. I like to remind myself how far I have come and just what I am capable of. I find that a difficult workout reminds me that my body will always outweigh my mind. I still have a long way to go in terms of getting the physique exactly as I want it. I still have a long way to go in building my shoulder strength and resolving this whiplash situation (still a bugger to me daily). But I will get there. I really did used to laugh at doctors for recommending going to the gym for my depression and anxiety. I feel bad now for not taking them seriously! So next time you're in the gym and are looking around the room; take a second to appreciate everyone who is present and acknowledge how it may have been difficult for the girl in bright pink trainers to get where she is today. Think about your own journey. Smile at others. It can just, sometimes, be contagious.
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January 2019
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