Do you ever feel as if you need someone to come over and make you a brew and simply say ‘you’re doing great’? Except for the fact that you don’t actually want to tell someone how you are feeling. Well, you have to be there for yourself. Regardless.
Pledge for 2019 that you’ll ensure you give yourself daily reassurance that you are ‘doing ok’ I’m not entirely sure how my current feelings of depression have surfaced. It’s supposed to be a new year and all that bollocks. I don’t mean to dwell on the last year. I always end up dwelling about how I’ve been through a lot of change recently. I guess I need to take ownership of these thoughts and feelings. Of course, I also know that I am creating change myself. I finally plucked up the courage to apply for a job that I really want. I’m hopeful. I know that if I am successful there will be huge changes ahead. But I’m also my own worst enemy and scared of failure. Either way, change is an inevitable outcome. Second guessing yourself is something that no matter how hard we try to fight; we always end up surrendering to. Anxiety is something that makes this even more apparent in day to day life; something I learnt to control. Except it’s now 2019, and I am still experiencing thoughts and self doubt on what I observe to be a subconscious level. I feel as if it is my mind trying to tell me to ‘take a break’ from recovery and ‘just feel a little more’. Almost like the devil tempting Adam to grab that apple from the forbidden tree. It is quite possible to be terrified of being free. Free of mental illness and distress. But how can we imagine being free when we have left behind the person we once were? So I guess it’s also quite possible that as human beings we will undoubtably stick to what we know, the ‘comfort’ or safety blanket, even at the expense of a greater future to come. It’s totally confusing to me as to how I can continue to feel so calm, collected and relaxed; when my stomach is in knots and it’s difficult to eat. I feel that emotionally, I should be a complete utter mess and instead I feel numb and fatigued. It makes me think about how powerful the medication must be to now be working affectively in my system. It also makes me more intune with my need to be less reliant on these. I think back to times where I felt absolute chaos in my mind (almost mirroring reality) and whereby nothing, and no one could help. Now look at the change in me. Is it my accomplishment or rather medication? Is it possible that those who have ‘recovered’ can still relapse on a regular basis? I’ve noticed that I now tend to experience an influx of energy, like no other, and then crash spontaneously; requiring so much sleep. I could sleep for days. And I mean days. And with this recurrent change, it’s difficult to know who you are. To separate fact from imagination. To know who I will be when the medication stops. My thoughts today, and reason for writing this was to encourage the following mantra: 1. There was a person before my mental health. 2. There is a different person after my mental health. 3. The person in the future will no doubt be a reformed version of the person I once was. Its not a bad thing. It just takes a little bit of time to see that. And I am doing great.. even if I do not feel that way. Now put the kettle on and make yourself a brew.
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January 2019
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