Today I’m choosing ME.
Today I’m going to celebrate ME. I love ME 🤛 I am proud of the woman I am becoming because more often than not I spend time reflecting on my journey to this present day. Again, things in my life are changing but this time it’s out of choice. Sometimes we have to make decisions that are so bloody difficult to make. To reject the feeling of needing to please those around you; the fear of failure. It’s my body and soul that is my reason for existence - not countless faces I’m surrounded by on a daily. So yes, time for change! How the F* did I keep going this year? Where did the bravery and strength come from? I think about all of the challenges and clinical input that got me here. There were highs and unexplainable lows which have all lead me to who I am on this rather ordinary Thursday the 28th of February 2019. And with that, I stop and think; is this a ‘state of calm’ or rather a new version of myself? Or is this just a period of stability that will always crop up from time to time during the recurring cycle. I guess it’s impossible to know if we ever really recover and/or move on..Can we truly be “undiagnosed” and if so, what does that actually mean? What does it mean clinically and most importantly, what does it mean to you and I? Does it even F*ng matter if you have a diagnosis? I think not As I have said before, I often struggle with the concept of ‘recovery’ and being told that things are well and I am high functioning. In the back of my mind I’m acutely aware that things could easily change at any given moment. I’m hopeful, and I believe that there is a time where your brain functioning has mastered the art of being mentally well. But there will always be the risk of relapse. The same risk as someone experiencing mental health for the first time. I’ve gone from getting engaged this time last year (I’ll probably blog about that at a later date) to taking a leap of faith and putting myself first. It’s unsettling and new. The future’s unpredictable & it’s okay to say NO. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s always okay to listen to your feelings. I will probably always consider myself to be ‘managing’ my mental health. I’m not undiagnosed or a completely new person. It’s quite unsettling to feel so “normal” (whatever that is) when you know and have felt the opposite so very deeply..I will always be this weird little mix up that makes ME. But I embrace it. I embrace the day. Everyday brings something new. Mental health is important and it matters; mental health is a part of me and I matter. No apologies.
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January 2019
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